Inspirational Messages
LIES THAT CAN KILL A MARRIAGE - Marriage Message Married couples especially are confronted by lies every day --our culture lies to us, advertisers lie to us, we even lie to ourselves. One of the biggest lies people grab onto is the fairytale ending where it reads, "and they all lived happily ever after." But the fairytale never tells you about the hard work that goes into making the "happily" into an "ever after." Often, when reality hits home, many married couples are more likely to live "miserably ever after" than the other way around.
It seems that somewhere in between "living happily ever after" and "living miserably ever after" is the truth and reality of the mission of marriage. Marriage is made up of two imperfect human beings, (Tamika & I ) living in union with a perfect God, for His glory (we often overlook that part) through serving and edifying Him and each other... for as long as we both shall live.
To live out this mission of marriage we need to STOP believing lies that can kill our marriages. The enemy of our faith --the "father of lies" will try everything possible to tear our marriages apart. So, we're going to share some of the common lies we believe AND the truth --from God's word. These thoughts come from Dr. Chris Thurman's book, "The Lies We Believe."
LIE # 1-- IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT: One of the most frequent lies couples engage in is a form of the "It's Not My Fault" lie, which points the finger of blame at the marriage partner. It implies that the actions of one spouse make the other spouse react in a bad way and are the only things making the marriage rotten. Simply put, it's all his or her fault.
SCRIPTURAL TRUTH: Romans 2:1, "You therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgement do the same things."
As much as humanly possible, couples need to take to heart the biblical teaching to be honest about our own flaws and work on them. As Matthew puts it, we should make a point of looking at the plank in our OWN eye before we point out the speck in our spouse's eye. We cannot allow the speck in our spouse's eye to make our plank larger and more blinding. Can you imagine a marriage in which each spouse puts this one teaching into practice?
LIE #2-- IF IT TAKES HARD WORK, WE MUST NOT BE RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER: Let's face it, marriage is hard work. Make that: Marriage is VERY hard work-- tremendously hard work. Underline it, bold face it, tattoo it on your forearm. This is the first rule of marriage: Any marriage that stays healthy and happy through the years has been worked on. It's a truth, that very few understand. So when the marriage isn't smooth, couples begin to wonder: "are we right for each other?" I'd argue that hard work in marriage often suggests you married the right person. Overall, the difficult struggles in our marriages often show us where our own personalities are deficient & give us the chance to work on it.
SCRIPTURAL TRUTH: 1 Corinthians 7:28, "But those who marry WILL face many troubles in this life."
LIE #3-- YOU CAN AND SHOULD MEET ALL MY NEEDS: No one person can meet all your needs. [As Christ-Followers we need to understand there is only One who can meet our needs.]
SCRIPTURAL TRUTH: Philippians 4:19, "And my God will meet all your needs to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus."
LIE #4-- YOU OWE ME: Remember when you first started dating your spouse? You were glad to do things for him or her and didn't really want much in return, other than his or company. For some reason, maybe because familiarity really does breed contempt, we go from our dating years (when we did things out of desire with little sense of what we were owed in return) to our "stuck with each other" married years (when everything is totaled up for payback). This "you owe me" marriage style is destructive and rooted in the lie that people, specifically our spouses, should pay us back for everything we do. You might be saying, "But what do I do when my spouse doesn't give me what I want?" You have a number of options, some healthy and some unhealthy.
On the unhealthy side, you can yell and scream, withdraw, demean, manipulate, or intimidate your spouse into giving you what you want. You may actually get what you are after, but you have won the battle and lost the war because your style will create ill will and a lack of love and respect, and harmony in the marriage. On the healthy side, you can ask your spouse to reconsider, or you can become a little more flexible, compromise, give up wanting it, or, if all else fails, go take care of it yourself without being bitter. The truth is that spouses “owe” each other nothing in marriage. The healthiest marriages are those in which each spouse gives because it is right to do so, not because it was owed or in order to be owed something in return.
SCRIPTURAL TRUTH: 1 Peter 5:5, "Clothe yourselves with humility because God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble."
LIE #5-- I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO CHANGE: There is the lie that in a good marriage spouses don't have to-- or shouldn't have to-- alter who they are for each other. What garbage! Of course we need to change who we are to fit our spouses better. The challenge is deciding WHAT to change.
When we marry, all of us have aspects of our personalities that are deficient & need to be tuned up or overhauled. More often than not, our weaknesses are our spouses’ strengths. Marriage involves improving our weaknesses, not wrapping ourselves in an “accept me as I am” flag.
SCRIPTURAL TRUTH: Hebrews 12:14, "Make every effort to live at peace with all and to be holy."
LIE #6-- YOU SHOULD BE LIKE ME: This seems absurd in print, but I know many couples who make this lie a lifestyle. We are unique. It’s good that we are all different, even if it does lead to conflict, because maturely handled differences can give us a clearer sense of our own individuality and a greater appreciation for how different human beings really are. [Someone once said, "Perhaps God so often puts opposites together because if we were just alike we would be an ineffective team." Think about how true that statement can be!]
SCRIPTURAL TRUTH: 1 Corinthians 12:18-19, "God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as He wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be?"
It seems that somewhere in between "living happily ever after" and "living miserably ever after" is the truth and reality of the mission of marriage. Marriage is made up of two imperfect human beings, (Tamika & I ) living in union with a perfect God, for His glory (we often overlook that part) through serving and edifying Him and each other... for as long as we both shall live.
To live out this mission of marriage we need to STOP believing lies that can kill our marriages. The enemy of our faith --the "father of lies" will try everything possible to tear our marriages apart. So, we're going to share some of the common lies we believe AND the truth --from God's word. These thoughts come from Dr. Chris Thurman's book, "The Lies We Believe."
LIE # 1-- IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT: One of the most frequent lies couples engage in is a form of the "It's Not My Fault" lie, which points the finger of blame at the marriage partner. It implies that the actions of one spouse make the other spouse react in a bad way and are the only things making the marriage rotten. Simply put, it's all his or her fault.
SCRIPTURAL TRUTH: Romans 2:1, "You therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgement do the same things."
As much as humanly possible, couples need to take to heart the biblical teaching to be honest about our own flaws and work on them. As Matthew puts it, we should make a point of looking at the plank in our OWN eye before we point out the speck in our spouse's eye. We cannot allow the speck in our spouse's eye to make our plank larger and more blinding. Can you imagine a marriage in which each spouse puts this one teaching into practice?
LIE #2-- IF IT TAKES HARD WORK, WE MUST NOT BE RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER: Let's face it, marriage is hard work. Make that: Marriage is VERY hard work-- tremendously hard work. Underline it, bold face it, tattoo it on your forearm. This is the first rule of marriage: Any marriage that stays healthy and happy through the years has been worked on. It's a truth, that very few understand. So when the marriage isn't smooth, couples begin to wonder: "are we right for each other?" I'd argue that hard work in marriage often suggests you married the right person. Overall, the difficult struggles in our marriages often show us where our own personalities are deficient & give us the chance to work on it.
SCRIPTURAL TRUTH: 1 Corinthians 7:28, "But those who marry WILL face many troubles in this life."
LIE #3-- YOU CAN AND SHOULD MEET ALL MY NEEDS: No one person can meet all your needs. [As Christ-Followers we need to understand there is only One who can meet our needs.]
SCRIPTURAL TRUTH: Philippians 4:19, "And my God will meet all your needs to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus."
LIE #4-- YOU OWE ME: Remember when you first started dating your spouse? You were glad to do things for him or her and didn't really want much in return, other than his or company. For some reason, maybe because familiarity really does breed contempt, we go from our dating years (when we did things out of desire with little sense of what we were owed in return) to our "stuck with each other" married years (when everything is totaled up for payback). This "you owe me" marriage style is destructive and rooted in the lie that people, specifically our spouses, should pay us back for everything we do. You might be saying, "But what do I do when my spouse doesn't give me what I want?" You have a number of options, some healthy and some unhealthy.
On the unhealthy side, you can yell and scream, withdraw, demean, manipulate, or intimidate your spouse into giving you what you want. You may actually get what you are after, but you have won the battle and lost the war because your style will create ill will and a lack of love and respect, and harmony in the marriage. On the healthy side, you can ask your spouse to reconsider, or you can become a little more flexible, compromise, give up wanting it, or, if all else fails, go take care of it yourself without being bitter. The truth is that spouses “owe” each other nothing in marriage. The healthiest marriages are those in which each spouse gives because it is right to do so, not because it was owed or in order to be owed something in return.
SCRIPTURAL TRUTH: 1 Peter 5:5, "Clothe yourselves with humility because God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble."
LIE #5-- I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO CHANGE: There is the lie that in a good marriage spouses don't have to-- or shouldn't have to-- alter who they are for each other. What garbage! Of course we need to change who we are to fit our spouses better. The challenge is deciding WHAT to change.
When we marry, all of us have aspects of our personalities that are deficient & need to be tuned up or overhauled. More often than not, our weaknesses are our spouses’ strengths. Marriage involves improving our weaknesses, not wrapping ourselves in an “accept me as I am” flag.
SCRIPTURAL TRUTH: Hebrews 12:14, "Make every effort to live at peace with all and to be holy."
LIE #6-- YOU SHOULD BE LIKE ME: This seems absurd in print, but I know many couples who make this lie a lifestyle. We are unique. It’s good that we are all different, even if it does lead to conflict, because maturely handled differences can give us a clearer sense of our own individuality and a greater appreciation for how different human beings really are. [Someone once said, "Perhaps God so often puts opposites together because if we were just alike we would be an ineffective team." Think about how true that statement can be!]
SCRIPTURAL TRUTH: 1 Corinthians 12:18-19, "God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as He wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be?"
I pledge to imitate Christ by sacrificing for my bride. I will do this through fasting one day a month. I will not do this alone. I will join my brothers around the world both in sacrifice and prayer as we live out this physical and spiritual commitments to God my spouse. EPHESIANS 5:25
GO BEYOND YOUR COMMITMENT - Marriage Message "The hard, cold truth of marriage is that staying together can be tough at times for almost any couple. Most of us probably know wonderful, intelligent, thoughtful people who --despite all the evidence of the harmful effects of divorce on children --are divorced anyway. Why is it so hard for couples to stay together?" (Marcia Segelstein)
This question was addressed in an article titled, "Intentional Marriage" written by Marci Segelstein (featured in a past issue of "Connecticut Family Matters"). We hope the info given inspires you to think and make a serious commitment to having an intentional marriage:
"Research has demonstrated convincingly what most people have known all along: that a stable, loving, two-parent family is the optimal environment for children's health and development in our society. Children do better in homes with stable marriages even if their parents aren't particularly happy together, as long as the parents are reasonably cooperative.
"I believe that the core challenge of our time is how to make a loving, permanent marriage work for ourselves, and our children. I fear that no social program, no educational achievement program, no job program, no anti-crime program, and no amount of psychotherapy and Prozac will solve our society's problems unless we figure out how men and women can sustain permanent bonds that are good for them, their children and their communities.
"Even if we have an unbending commitment to our mate, most of us are blind to how we lose our marriages by slow erosion if we keep replenishing the soil. I decided William Doherty (an author, college professor, and director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Minnesota) would be a good person to supply the answer to my question.
"Doherty believes part of the problem is that the consumer culture in which we live has affected our attitudes about marriage. We expect our mates to fill needs for us, and to bring us happiness and fulfillment. We've internalized the notion that it is okay --and even psychologically healthy --to be looking out for number one even within the context of marriage.
"We're ask ourselves during stressful times, or boring times, or just from time-to-time whether we're getting what we should from our marriage.
"As Doherty puts it, 'our culture teaches us that we are all entitled to an exciting marriage and great sex life; if we don't get both, we are apt to feel deprived. What used to be seen, as human weakness of the flesh, has become a personal entitlement. Steadfastness and self-sacrifice aren't in the picture. When the marriage relationship becomes psychologically painful or stunts our growth, there are plenty of therapists around to serve as midwives for a divorce.'
"Doherty believes that the two key ingredients for a successful marriage are commitment and intentionality. Commitment may sound obvious and clear-cut. But in his years of therapy, Doherty has come to recognize two distinct kinds of commitment couples make. One is what he calls, 'commitment-as-long-as.' It means staying together, 'not as long as we both shall live, but as long as thongs are working out for me.'
"The other kind is what Doherty calls 'commitment-no-matter-what.' He describes it as 'the long view of marriage in which you don't balance the ledgers every month to see if you are getting an adequate return on your investment. You're here to stay.' This long-term kind of commitment is essential, says Doherty, but can lead to stale marriages if not accompanied by intentionality.
"By intentionality, Doherty means making one's marriage a high priority. During courtship, a couple's relationship is front and center, as he puts it. After marriage, other things often take priority: careers and children, to name the most common. Having an intentional marriage means being conscious about maintaining a connection through, among other things, 'a reservoir of marital rituals of connection and intimacy.'
"The main way to resist forces that pull us apart --the natural drift of marriage over time and the insidious pull of the consumer culture --is to be a couple who carefully cultivates commitment and ways to connect over the years. Simply stated, the intentional couple thinks about their relationship, plans for their relationship, and acts for their relationship, mostly in simple, everyday ways and occasionally in big, splashy ways.
"Doherty gave me the example of a simple ritual that he and his wife developed during their child-rearing years. Every evening after dinner, they'd have coffee together --without children present. Their children knew they had to leave their parents alone for these few minutes.
"Years later Doherty asked his grown daughter what she had thought of that ritual as a child. She told him that it had made her feel safe because she knew it meant her parents liked each other."
Here's one example of what we're talking about. We know a couple that are both very active in ministry. It's the kind of work that could easily keep them apart. However, early into their ministry they became intentional in that they would have a "coffee date" (just the two of them) once a week to talk and discuss matters that are important to them and just enjoy conversing together -a time to reconnect. They're adamant about protecting this time together. Get the idea?
They've told us that this has strengthened their bond as a husband and wife. What about you? What can you do to become more intentional in making time to connect emotionally with each other? Think and pray about it and we'll give more on this topic in the next Marriage Message.
In the meantime, please know that our love and prayers are with you as together we work to "reveal and reflect the Heart of Christ withing our marriages."
This question was addressed in an article titled, "Intentional Marriage" written by Marci Segelstein (featured in a past issue of "Connecticut Family Matters"). We hope the info given inspires you to think and make a serious commitment to having an intentional marriage:
"Research has demonstrated convincingly what most people have known all along: that a stable, loving, two-parent family is the optimal environment for children's health and development in our society. Children do better in homes with stable marriages even if their parents aren't particularly happy together, as long as the parents are reasonably cooperative.
"I believe that the core challenge of our time is how to make a loving, permanent marriage work for ourselves, and our children. I fear that no social program, no educational achievement program, no job program, no anti-crime program, and no amount of psychotherapy and Prozac will solve our society's problems unless we figure out how men and women can sustain permanent bonds that are good for them, their children and their communities.
"Even if we have an unbending commitment to our mate, most of us are blind to how we lose our marriages by slow erosion if we keep replenishing the soil. I decided William Doherty (an author, college professor, and director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Minnesota) would be a good person to supply the answer to my question.
"Doherty believes part of the problem is that the consumer culture in which we live has affected our attitudes about marriage. We expect our mates to fill needs for us, and to bring us happiness and fulfillment. We've internalized the notion that it is okay --and even psychologically healthy --to be looking out for number one even within the context of marriage.
"We're ask ourselves during stressful times, or boring times, or just from time-to-time whether we're getting what we should from our marriage.
"As Doherty puts it, 'our culture teaches us that we are all entitled to an exciting marriage and great sex life; if we don't get both, we are apt to feel deprived. What used to be seen, as human weakness of the flesh, has become a personal entitlement. Steadfastness and self-sacrifice aren't in the picture. When the marriage relationship becomes psychologically painful or stunts our growth, there are plenty of therapists around to serve as midwives for a divorce.'
"Doherty believes that the two key ingredients for a successful marriage are commitment and intentionality. Commitment may sound obvious and clear-cut. But in his years of therapy, Doherty has come to recognize two distinct kinds of commitment couples make. One is what he calls, 'commitment-as-long-as.' It means staying together, 'not as long as we both shall live, but as long as thongs are working out for me.'
"The other kind is what Doherty calls 'commitment-no-matter-what.' He describes it as 'the long view of marriage in which you don't balance the ledgers every month to see if you are getting an adequate return on your investment. You're here to stay.' This long-term kind of commitment is essential, says Doherty, but can lead to stale marriages if not accompanied by intentionality.
"By intentionality, Doherty means making one's marriage a high priority. During courtship, a couple's relationship is front and center, as he puts it. After marriage, other things often take priority: careers and children, to name the most common. Having an intentional marriage means being conscious about maintaining a connection through, among other things, 'a reservoir of marital rituals of connection and intimacy.'
"The main way to resist forces that pull us apart --the natural drift of marriage over time and the insidious pull of the consumer culture --is to be a couple who carefully cultivates commitment and ways to connect over the years. Simply stated, the intentional couple thinks about their relationship, plans for their relationship, and acts for their relationship, mostly in simple, everyday ways and occasionally in big, splashy ways.
"Doherty gave me the example of a simple ritual that he and his wife developed during their child-rearing years. Every evening after dinner, they'd have coffee together --without children present. Their children knew they had to leave their parents alone for these few minutes.
"Years later Doherty asked his grown daughter what she had thought of that ritual as a child. She told him that it had made her feel safe because she knew it meant her parents liked each other."
Here's one example of what we're talking about. We know a couple that are both very active in ministry. It's the kind of work that could easily keep them apart. However, early into their ministry they became intentional in that they would have a "coffee date" (just the two of them) once a week to talk and discuss matters that are important to them and just enjoy conversing together -a time to reconnect. They're adamant about protecting this time together. Get the idea?
They've told us that this has strengthened their bond as a husband and wife. What about you? What can you do to become more intentional in making time to connect emotionally with each other? Think and pray about it and we'll give more on this topic in the next Marriage Message.
In the meantime, please know that our love and prayers are with you as together we work to "reveal and reflect the Heart of Christ withing our marriages."
WHAT IS LOVE? If you ask a hundred people, "What is Love?" you'll end up with almost as many definitions. In Webster's Dictionary alone there's more than an entire column devoted to defining "Love." With all due respect to Webster, we'd like to offer the following for your consideration. On the subject of love. "Diane Ackerman said, 'Everyone admits that love is wonderful and necessary, yet no one agrees on just what it is.' Over the years, I've been learning what it is. When I first got married, I wanted to show my wife that I love her I thought! That was the kind of commitment I needed to make! I wanted to give my all to her --to die, if necessary, for her --to sacrifice myself on the altar of true love! I wanted her to know that I'd give it all up to her. But she never wanted me to die for her. Never! Clean the toilets, maybe, but never die. "My commitment was to be shown in household chores! (I read a study that showed that no woman ever shot her husband while he was doing dishes. What a relief. Washing dishes may lack inspiration, but at least it's safe.) I was never called upon to die. But I was still called upon to show my love, in little ways, mostly. I was called upon to sit by her hospital bed and encourage her. I was called upon to hold her after her father died and let her cry. "I was also called upon to carve out alone time with her as often as possible and to make sure my plans included her as well as me. I was never needed to prove my undying love through a glorious act of self-sacrifice. It was something I was required to do in little ways, through one small act of kindness at a time. And that, I've learned, is LOVE." As I thought how love required that I do more than I wanted. The Bible says that TRUE love (not the kind that I might have a tendency to give) "is patient and kind. It isn't proud, rude, self-seeking, or easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs --doesn't delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth, Love always protects, trusts, hopes, and persevered." (1 Cor. 13:4-7) As I go over those verses I think, "Thanks Lord... I needed to be reminded of that!" Too often I forget to live in a BIBLE-living way. God says in James 1:22, "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." With that said, we'd like to share something that has helped us in our own marriage. A while ago we went through the Bible together writing down the scriptures we ESPECIALLY want to live by below are some of our scriptures. MARRIAGE CHECK-UP LIST (from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7): We pledge to love each other with the principles of the Bible being our guide: - LOVE IS PATIENT: Are we patient? Do we bear with one another's weaknesses? - LOVE IS KIND. Are we treating each other with loving kindness & grace? Are we tenderhearted in our attitudes and our actions? Are we being cynical and critical? Are we using cutting humor in how we relate to one another? - IT DOES NOT ENVY. Has a spirit of envy been displayed by either one of us? Are we exhibiting discontentment or resentment in what we have or don't have? - IT DOES NOT BOAST; IT IS NOT PROUD. Are we being boastful, arrogant, or haughty? Are we displaying an attitude of being more superior or smarter than the other? - IT IS NOT RUDE. Are we being rude, intolerant, or harsh with each other? - IT IS NOT SELF-SEEKING. Are we living together in partnership --not allowing our individual wants to take precedence over our marital relationship? Are we giving back or only taking? - IT IS NOT EASILY ANGERED. Have we been irritable, or hypersensitive? - IT KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONGS. Are we being too "historical" with each other? Are we keeping score of that which we shouldn't? - LOVE DOES NOT DELIGHT IN EVIL BUT REJOICES WITH THE TRUTH. Are we amusing ourselves with that which doesn't please God? When we converse, do we speak truth in love? - IT ALWAYS PROTECTS. Do we protect each other's feelings? Do we rudely embarrass or belittle each other? Can it be in any way interpreted that we're attacking each other's character? - IT ALWAYS TRUSTS. Are we living lives of trustworthiness? Are we putting our trust in Christ? Do we strive to believe the best in our spouse? - ALWAYS HOPES. Are we quick to assume the worst in each other? Do we have hope because of Christ? - ALWAYS PERSEVERES. Are we persevering through problems rather than caving into them? Go over this list with each other. Remember, this is a time to help you to grow closer --not to belittle each other. Ask your spouse for forgiveness when you should, and be gracious in humbly extending forgiveness --as Christ has done for you. Post this list in a prominent place as a continual visual reminder & also a witness for others to see. The point is to "be imitators of God... and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God" (Eph. 5:1-2). May our love continually reveal and reflect the heart of Christ!
These Six Areas are Important to Women
• The power of intimacy
• The fundamentals of friendship
• Safeguarding your relationship
• Reviving romance
• Authentic love and acceptance
• Really connecting
• The power of intimacy
• The fundamentals of friendship
• Safeguarding your relationship
• Reviving romance
• Authentic love and acceptance
• Really connecting